“I deeply desire reconciliation with my family… life is indeed precious,” stated Prince Harry.
extraordinary interview
He provided to the BBC on Friday. The Duke of Sussex has turned into the face of
family estrangements
Although this is a part he would likely rather avoid, his discussion underscored the intricacies of divided households, encompassing the multifaceted feelings, convoluted relationships, and evolving viewpoints inherent in such situations.
Losing touch with a parent isn’t something anybody aspires to. Most kids don’t gaze at the stars hoping their family will break apart. No one dreams of excluding a brother or sister or becoming disconnected from a dad, yet for numerous individuals, this is how life’s journey unfolds. As per Stand Alone—a former charity organization that conducted extensive studies on the matter—one in every five families grapples with estrangement—an substantial statistic regardless of perspective—and a
subject that’s received more coverage
in recent years.
The period leading up to my separation from my mother was gradual and protracted – marked by stretches of escalating turmoil, interspersed with phases of tranquility. I’ve noticed that there seems to be a specific stigma associated with estrangement.
Individuals may not directly express hostility, yet occasionally, I might sense a subtle disapproval suggesting that I didn’t put forth enough effort or endure sufficiently; they could view me as having fallen short of my duties within the family unit and ought to have persevered through challenging times. This viewpoint is evolving and possibly isn’t as widespread now compared to before, but it persists in certain parts of society, labeling those who distance themselves from unsustainable conditions as “snowflakes.”
The causes of estrangement can be quite varied — ranging from clashing cultural values to being separated by divorce, or as in my situation, resulting from an unstable relationship. In my experience, what ultimately pushed me over the edge was accidentally hearing my mother talking about me during a conversation last March.
I’ve grown accustomed to hearing her criticize me ever since I was young. Occasionally, as I matured, I’d take breaks from speaking to her—sometimes lasting months, occasionally even a whole year—which typically helped reset our dynamic. She became more cautious with her choice of words—but eventually, some minor issue would provoke her, restarting the same pattern over again.
Throughout my entire life, I internalized her statements, taking them for granted and integrating them into myself. However, now that I am a grown-up with a family of my own, I do not wish to carry this weight anymore. Her words from the past no longer go unchallenged; they are not automatically accepted as truth.
When I consulted psychotherapist Amy Bojanowski-Bubb regarding estrangements, she emphasized that “occasionally, the kindest action you can take for your own well-being is to withdraw.” This statement resonated deeply with me as it mirrored my ultimate conclusion. Consequently, I chose to block her number without providing any explanation for my actions. However, once she began attempting communication through my spouse, I realized that it was necessary to clear up the circumstances for all parties involved, leading me to send her an explanatory email detailing my feelings.
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My relatives stay in touch with my mother, yet they honor and grasp my choice. Considering that – similar to Harry and his dad – we currently reside in separate nations, it becomes simpler for all of us to manage the circumstances, making it less demanding to handle than one might anticipate. The sole potential side effect of this scenario could be that
My kids do not have a grandmother.
, something I’m ambivalent about.
One part of me feels it would be unjust for me to obstruct a family connection and hinder the development of a bond that was so precious during my childhood. Yet, another part questions the value of exposing my kids to someone who seemingly despises me and has inflicted considerable suffering upon me over the years. In the end though, circumstances beyond my control have made spontaneous meetings unfeasible due to geographical separation. Moreover, even if I were inclined to do so, regulations prohibit sending two young children alone on an airplane journey to America.
I often wonder how
Other individuals experiencing separations empathize.
— I’ve encountered some people who share similar situations with me, but we’re not quite close enough for us to delve deeply into the complexities of our troubled family backgrounds. It frequently strikes me as odd being isolated in my own state of disconnection from my family — I’m unsure how I should perceive things within the framework of my specific scenario, and at times, I experience guilt over the lack of longing for my mother. In my case, the most distressing aspect wasn’t so much the current separation itself, but rather the prolonged period spanning several years and even decades leading up to it. Now, looking back after everything has settled down, there’s a sense of ease.
Once our conversations ceased, it felt like an unseen force had been expelled from my mind, banished by some internal authority and compelled to seek refuge elsewhere. This entity remained unnoticed until it vanished—so intertwined with my thoughts and feelings that it constantly made me doubt myself and scrutinize my intentions. In its absence now lies emptiness—a marvelous, freeing, splendid void that grants me solitude and enables me to lead a peaceful existence.
While I’d like there to be a neat ending to this story – some kind of Hollywood resolution in an airport with a teary reunion and warm embrace, I don’t think that’ll be the outcome of this tale. It took a long time and many tears, for me to get to a point where I could even fathom a separation from my mother, and now that I’m here – with all of the calmness it brings, it is incomprehensible to want to disturb that.
I doubt we’ll reconcile unless my mother alters her ways or I experience a significant change in outlook. This situation isn’t entirely satisfactory but somewhat manageable. Not talking to my mom leaves me without closure during family celebrations like birthdays when someone crucial is missing—she who gave birth to me. For me, this estrangement creates a constant undertone—a persistent longing just beneath the surface—for what could have been: either she becoming a better mother or me being one myself. There’s an unfulfilled wish for alternate outcomes mixed with acceptance that reality hasn’t changed despite these thoughts.
However, even so, I have never felt remorse over my choices or where life has brought me—now in a more peaceful setting, a small haven of solace and recovery. While this might not resemble the typical happily-ever-after found in romantic comedies or fairy tales, it still stands as a sort of conclusion that brings contentment to me.
