I’m attempting to rebuild bridges with my adopted son.
I’m attempting to rebuild my relationship with my adopted child.
A few months ago, we had an argument during which I said things I now profoundly regret.
He had been staying with me for roughly a year following the breakdown of his previous relationship, an occurrence that has become distressingly common.
I reside in a studio apartment and find it challenging to manage with only a modest pension.
He spent his nights on a pull-out bed in the living area, which made it challenging to accommodate both him and his belongings constantly. This was exacerbated by what appeared to be an inability to maintain consistent employment. Our interactions became tense, resulting in numerous disagreements between us.
When things got really rough, I pointed out that he was being childish and emphasized that at 32 years old, he ought to be independent and have his own residence.
He claimed that this only showed I didn’t truly love him since I wasn’t his biological mother. I responded that my feelings for him were genuine and unrelated to the fact that he was adopted.
It was just that I found it difficult to handle him being around for extended durations.
He refused to accept it and left immediately that very day; we’ve neither met nor communicated since then, despite my efforts. He disregards my phone calls and stays away from me online.
A buddy saw him in town as he was exiting a house early in the morning, seemingly on his way to work, which could indicate this is his new place of residence.
I get why he could be upset with me, but my feelings of love and concern for him remain strong. It’s painful that he has severed all contact. Any advice on what I should do?
T. C.
FIONA STATES: EXTEND YOUR AFFECTION AND ALLOW HIM THE ROOM TO RECOVER
Upon discovering that they were adopted, an adoptee typically experiences a intricate blend of feelings.
Certain individuals may cling to the affection, faith, and collective memories forged with their adoptive parents and proceed as if nothing has changed.
Other individuals may experience confusion, pain, or perhaps even betrayal knowing that they were not informed about the secret.
Other people might begin to wonder why their biological parents decided to put them up for adoption. Was there a valid justification behind this choice, or did it just mean that their birth parents lacked affection for them?
Other adopted individuals often blame themselves or believe that they weren’t adequate enough.
These uncertainties may lead to enduring impacts on an adoptee’s sense of worth. Additionally, they might cause an adoptee to question whether their adoptive parents genuinely loved them, as your findings indicate.
Your letter does not specify for how long your son has been aware of being adopted, however, his track record of disrupted relationships indicates that he likely harbors numerous uncertainties about this aspect of his life.
Your letter makes it evident how much you care about him, so the challenge now lies in making him understand this sentiment.
Confronting him directly at his front door could make him feel uneasy.
Since he appears set on disregarding your digital efforts, maybe you ought to mail a letter to the address your acquaintances provided. This way, he can have some time to ponder his reply.
Tell him that you have feelings for him and would like to meet up with him once more. Mention that you feel remorseful about what you said previously and wish for his understanding and forgiveness.
Fingers crossed, he’ll figure out a solution, but tackling the adoption matter moving forward might keep presenting difficulties.
Therefore, I believe you may both benefit from reaching out to PAC-UK Adoption and Permanency Support (pac-uk.org), which is part of the nationwide organization Family Action.
Readers in
Scotland
You can reach out to Adoption UK in Scotland (adoptionuk.org/scotland).
HOW CAN I STOP WORRYING THAT I MIGHT DIE PREMATURELY?
I’ve consistently believed that my life would be cut short at a young age.
Two years back, at the age of 33, a significant mass was discovered in my left breast, causing me immense concern as my deepest anxieties appeared ready to materialize.
Following a period of intense worry, I learned that the lump was not cancerous, though it still necessitated significant surgery along with some breast reconstructive procedures.
It took around five months of waiting for the surgery, and neither the doctors nor the nurses could ease my concerns.
I believed conditions would get better following the surgery, yet around six months back, I began experiencing weight loss and constant feelings of depression.
I must confess, I wasn’t proud of my behavior during this time; I engaged in casual relationships frequently, likely as a way to affirm my attractiveness.
In any case, I am currently extremely frightened that I have
AIDS
, and it’s keeping me up at night. My sister forced me to have an
HIV test
, but I’ve been too scared to return and retrieve the result.
Everything I can focus on at this moment are the foolish errors I’ve committed throughout my life and how they’re likely to lead to a disastrous conclusion very shortly.
I’ve had extensive leave from my job, and I’m certain they will let me go shortly.
Please assist me, I am utterly terrified.
M. C.
FIONA STATES: DO NOT ALLOW FEAR TO DOMINATE YOUR LIFE – SEEK ASSISTANCE IMMEDIATELY
Your vivid imagination combined with intense anxiety is generating numerous frightening situations for you that may be causing significantly greater harm to your well-being than any actual issues could.
Therefore, kindly take a few deep breaths and, at your earliest convenience, consult with your general practitioner to talk about getting an HIV test along with discussing the symptoms you’re presently going through.
There’s nothing more miserable than being trapped in this unsure state of limbo you find yourself in.
Anxiety disorders such as these, along with common stresses and depressive states, are genuine ailments that can exert prolonged effects on one’s well-being.
Nevertheless, these conditions ARE treatable, so please do not feel the need to confront them alone.
In the meantime, consider sharing your feelings with your sister or a friend to gain both emotional and practical support from them. Though the adage ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’ might sound cliché, it holds truth nevertheless.
If your HIV test comes back positive, you’ll be in the appropriate location to receive treatment. Keep in mind that even if it is positive, this does not necessarily indicate that you have AIDS.
When detected early and treated promptly, an HIV-positive diagnosis no longer equates to a fatal condition; instead, numerous people can enjoy extended, healthy lifespans.
As you await your appointment with your general practitioner, make an effort to refrain from self-blame or feelings of guilt over perceived errors in your past actions. From my perspective, you haven’t committed any wrongdoing, and fretting over previous events won’t resolve anything.
If you keep going like this, I believe you’ll genuinely stress yourself into illness, so please address this issue immediately.
IS IT EVER TOO LATE TO FORM NEW FRIENDSHIPS?
I’m 66 years old, have recently retired, and live alone.
A few years back, my wife passed away, and as a way to deal with it, I immersed myself in work. Although I had some close coworkers at the time, upon leaving that environment, I’ve come to see that I don’t really have any genuine friends who are around my age.
Previously, this didn’t concern me much since I’ve typically been quite solitary. Nonetheless, after six months of retiring, I now feel the need for more engagement in my daily routine and occasionally experience feelings of loneliness as well.
I’d prefer to venture out and engage in activities beyond just working on a computer and meet new people, yet I’m unsure of how to go about doing so.
Is it too late now?
T. A.
FIONA STATES: STEP OUTSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONE WITHOUT FEAR
Forming new friendships during one’s later years can seem daunting, particularly if you have largely been solitary throughout much of your life.
Certainly, it’s always possible to begin connecting with new individuals and forming enduring friendships at any stage of life.
The range of actions you could take to achieve this is solely constrained by the limits of your creativity and your readiness to participate actively.
I’ll toss some general concepts your way and hopefully one of them resonates with you.
The University of the Third Age – U3A (u3a.org.uk) is an organization for seniors who wish to explore new hobbies, forge friendships, and enjoy themselves in the process.
If you remain fit and active, numerous gyms provide classes or amenities tailored particularly for seniors, similar to how many walking groups such as the
Ramblers
(ramblers.org.uk).
Charities
Campaigning organizations are constantly seeking volunteers.
If starting feels difficult and you simply desire some conversation, reach out to The Silver Line at (thesilverline.org.uk).
I would just like to add, don’t hesitate to say “yes,” even if it means stepping outside your comfort zone.
SHOULD I SAY SOMETHING IF I WAS EXCLUDED FROM THE WEDDING?
My stepdaughter’s wedding is just six weeks off, and I’m feeling entirely excluded.
My son is serving as an usher, and his father, who is also her dad, will be walking her down the aisle. However, I’ve been informed that I shouldn’t join my husband in the front row; instead, she prefers for me to sit there so her mother can occupy that spot.
I understand it’s her big day, yet it pains me. The hurt intensifies because the wedding invitations came from both her parents, even though he is utilizing our shared resources to cover most of the costs.
Given this situation, I believe I ought to take a more active role. Could it be that she’s intentionally ignoring me, and should I address this issue with her directly?
B. B.
FIONA SUGGESTS: EXPRESS SUPPORT IN A CASUAL MANNER
I suspect she isn’t intentionally ignoring you; it’s much more probable that she doesn’t wish to be reminded of her wedding day that marriages can and often do fall apart.
She’s similarly bound by wedding traditions where it’s customary for the father and mother of the bride to be seated in the front row alongside any bridesmaids.
I understand it seems painful, but I’m certain that wasn’t their intention.
Therefore, consider thoroughly before sharing anything that could potentially ruin your stepdaughter’s day and strain your current relationship with her.
Instead offer to help in a low-pressure way perhaps with any behind-the-scenes tasks.
So savor the wedding day and demonstrate your support gracefully and with poise. Consider it your personal wedding present to her, if that makes it easier.
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